Anyone who made it through the teenage years can likely recall moments in adolescence where they just wanted assurance that they were accepted by the group they were in or around.  It didn’t necessarily matter if you liked the people you were with—you mainly didn’t want to be on the receiving end of any taunting or teasing.  This form of “fitting in” mattered a lot.  

Some form of this still exists in us past adolescence and with good reason—because we are biologically built for connection, and there’s a survival instinct for having acceptance by a group.  

The Science

Your brain releases “feel-good” neurochemicals from different types of personal connections, such as dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin, and vasopressin.  You may have heard that dopamine is known as the “reward” chemical, but that its effects are often short-lived, which is why a regular stream of (healthy) dopamine-producing activities is useful for our well-being.  You may be familiar with serotonin and its role in regulating mood (as an antidepressant), digestion, sleep, and memory/learning.  You get bonus points if you know how oxytocin and vasopressin are impacted by relationships and social interactions.  If you said that oxytocin is called the “hug hormone” because it’s released through touch and affection (whether it be romantic, familial, or platonic) and increases feelings of bonding and care, you’d be correct.  Oxytocin is particularly awesome because it’s produced not only by our human touch/interaction, but also by touch/interaction with animals, which is why animal therapy and animal bonding can be such a powerful force.  Vasopressin contributes to feelings of belonging and connection that can motivate us to take protective action and endure pain.¹² This is a bit of the neuroscience on human connection and why, at times, we’re drawn to or long for connection. 

Now that we’ve touched on our biological basis for desiring connection, we’re going to unpack the important distinction between two types of connection: Fitting and Belonging.  Both are important and bring different value to our lives. As you evaluate the groups/tribes/communities that you’re in, you may find that you have one, both, or neither of these qualities in each group. 

Fitting In 

The concept of “fitting in” can be thought of like a puzzle: In assembling a puzzle, pieces are pre-determined by shape and either fit or don’t.  There’s no forcing a piece into place without altering the pieces around it and distorting the picture they’re supposed to display.  To fit a puzzle piece in its correct place, you evaluate its qualifications: Does this piece have the required shape, colors, and line up with the surrounding pieces? There’s a screening process in determining fit: What are your qualifications, and do they meet the standard for inclusion?  The answer is a binary “yes/no” or “pass/fail.”  You either have what’s being demanded, or you don’t.  To revisit that adolescent analogy, you’re either “in” with the group or you’re “out.”  And we know the need to be careful here—as soon as you start deviating from the group expectations, you might be moved “out.”  With this in mind, it makes sense that “fitting in” in relationships and social circles brings a unique type of stress—you’re being evaluated and ruled in or out, and that evaluation is constantly ongoing.  You’re more of a product and less of a creative person.  Fitting in is not all bad, however, because in many instances, we need a pre-determined “fit.”  Job applicants need the necessary skills and capabilities to fill a role—you wouldn’t hire a landscape architect to do your dental work, or vice versa (unless your dentist has a side hustle as a groundskeeper).  There are times and places where we need to fit in—but our closest and most enduring relationships will flounder if we only consider “fit.”  

Belonging

This leads us to the idea of “belonging,” which we can explain through the image of a garden.  If you talk to a gardener, you’ll notice their language for designing and caring for their garden revolves around which plants work together to achieve the outcome they’re looking for (a vegetable crop, pretty flowers in the front yard, trees for shade) and the climate they live in.  Growing a garden is less about finding pre-determined pieces and more about using differences to enhance the overall health of the system.  The question we ask in determining belonging is not, “Does this pass inspection?” but “How can I integrate this here?”  Belonging is about curating, which means selecting and arranging items to create a cohesive whole.  In curating, the items you select are often different because those differences enhance and bring out the strengths of the others.  A thriving garden could include a combination of large trees that shade delicate plants from scorching sun, groundcover with tendril-like roots that till the soil and foster nutrient absorption, and flowering plants with colors and scents that attract the pollinating insects the system needs to keep growing year after year.  Each of these, growing alone (or separated by type), would likely do fine, but together they can thrive by enhancing what each can’t accomplish as well on its own.  This is why the environments where our differences are respected and utilized can make us feel heard, understood, and valued, and promote our overall growth and development.  So, when you find yourself in a room (literal or figurative) where you hear yourself saying, “I don’t fit with these people!” remember that a place where you don’t fit might just be the place where you belong—because your qualities can enhance the group overall. 

In Summary 

You can belong without fitting in, and you can fit in without belonging.  We’ll find that we need each of them: Fitting in can be necessary for survival, and belonging is necessary to find community. Rejection based on being a poor fit produces fear, and rejection based on not belonging can result in loneliness. Our ability to recognize the differences and know when and where to find each one is paramount for building the healthy, wellness-enhancing connections we need to thrive.