Finish this phrase: “You can be right, or you can be                          .” 

Some people may be familiar ending that with “married,” and it may have been jokingly thrown around at holidays or family gatherings.  Since then, I’ve heard it finished other ways:   

“You can be right, or you can keep the friendship.”
“You can be right, or you can stay employed.”
“You can be right, or you can be happy.”   

There are plenty of options in ending that sentence, because in the fight to establish the validity of our argument, we inevitably plow over some relationship.  The same sentiment exists in the phrase “pick your battles,” because the cost of a battle is bloodshed—whether yours or another’s.   

Why are we talking about battles and relationships? Because all relationships will have them. It’s up to you which battles you engage in and which you forfeit for the sake of the relationship.  Have you ever met a person who just cannot be wrong?  Their priority is to establish the accuracy of their position, everything and everyone else be damned.  It becomes clear very quickly that they are not interested in working with you (collaborating) on the issue, but rather in convincing you that they’re right or wearing you down until you acquiesce (they’re going for control).  In this dynamic, what is the depth of your relationship with this person?  Probably limited, because there’s no openness for sharing and being heard.  If that person is prominent in your life, there’s also potential for this relationship to shape how you view other people or other relationships.  The goal of this topic is to evaluate places where we’ve maybe chosen to fight for control (being right) rather than for connection with the other person.   

In a close, committed relationship, when we fight to “win”, the “winner” gets whatever they needed (to be right, to make the decision, to have the last word) and the “loser” feels dismissed and disregarded.  The “winning” person beats down the other person’s emotional connection, trust, and/or respect. 

So, how do we engage in conflict—which is going to happen—but relinquish that drive to “win”?  It starts by viewing the conflict as a moment where the other person is trying to tell you something that matters—at the heart of it, the issue isn’t an attack on you but on a relational need that the other person isn’t getting.  For this, we need to tell ourselves, “Try not to take this personally, even if the words are very personal.”  Our initial reaction is to get defensive and throw back all the reasons why we do what we do and how it’s the other person’s fault.  Instead of getting defensive, try (and this is really hard) to accept their view of the situation by asking curious questions: 

“I’m trying to understand what this means to you—can you tell me what you’re thinking of as we talk about this?” 

“If you could have your ideal outcome here, what would that be?  Okay, and can you help me understand—what does that outcome mean to you?” 

The goal here is to identify the missing emotional piece (closeness, respect, autonomy, recognition, choice, care, etc.) that the other person is seeking and find a way for the two of you to help meet that need.  When you know what the other is fighting for, then you can find a way to meet that need together in your relationship—instead of resisting each other while still fighting for it.